Noodle Soup
Or
How to deal with the random one-night hook-up.

Since this never happens to anyone, this will all be hypothetical. After most of a hard week at work (avoiding labor, taking extended breaks, flirting with the temp, and cutting out early), you have earned your night out. Whether or not you make this Thursday at Humphrey's East, Friday at the City Café, Saturday at Sonoma's, or any other fine establishment in this or any other area matters little. The important thing is that you go out, let off steam, and try to pick up that special someone. Now, there are an awful lot of variables that influence your night, and subsequently your next day. For the sake of this purely theoretical treatise, we will presume: A night of moderate to extensive "refreshment" A successful foray with an attractive member of the opposite gender (or same, if you lean that way) Follow-up plans involving this new/recurring person Casual to moderate necking. (That last is extremely tricky to nail down. It could be a mild hook-up, it could be marathon, neighbors-pounding-on-walls shrieking, or lazy, drunken toe-sucking. All that matters here is that it is not a regular girl-/boyfriend. If the new/recurring person becomes that regular one, then that becomes a different story altogether. Check back next week...) So now that the stage is set, there you are. You get up the next day. Where are you? Let's go about this like a Choose Your Own Adventure, shall we? Remember those? You are home. Your paramour has been talked into coming back to your place. Your roommate, cat, or parents have been taken care of and are out of the picture. You wake up and this person has been looking at you and looking around your bedroom for about 20 minutes. This is the first of many uncomfortable moments you are about to experience. Do not panic! Usually this is the time the groundwork is laid for an excuse to leave: "Wow, I really slept... I usually don't sleep this late... I have somewhere to be," or "Crap, I forgot to call home and have someone walk the dog last night." Once that has been said, you can offer rebuttal: "I can drop you off somewhere on my way to the train/hospital/strip bar," which will usually be refused. After they leave, you will find the uncomfortable morning-after feeling being replaced with funny head and stomach feelings. Now is the time for action! Toast. Maybe a well-cooked egg. Nothing fancy, and for God's sake stay away from Count Chocula. As not-hungry as you are feeling, it is the best thing for you. If you are a big "hair of the dog" fan, in the morning stick to screwdrivers or mimosas... the OJ really does take some of the sting out. If you can't bear the thought of more booze, juice is your friend. Milk is your enemy. Coffee, as much as people think it sobers you up, will only dry you out more. Stay away. Water. Lots of it. If you forgot to drink it last night before bed, make up for it. If you remembered to, make up for it. Make sure your piss is clear. The painkillers are appropriate here as well - ibuprofen has the neat effect of reducing swelling, so those puffy bags where your eyes used to be will start to relax too. For you smoker-types, if you find you have overdone it, try a little cough syrup that acts as an expectorant. It will loosen up all the soot-flavored phlegm and make it come up, leaving you free to light up sooner than you think. For the scratchy throat, Halls rock. Now the loafing begins. Find a good game on and try to watch it. Screen your calls (if you are the one who left in the morning, there is NO WAY IN HELL you should be calling back today). A good cocktail for this time of day is cola with vanilla-flavored vodka. Nice and sweet, not too abrasive, good for hanging out. By this time, your body should have just about righted itself, if you can read between the lines. Once that happens, you should be ready for solid food, and you are back to normal. You drunk fool. You are NOT home. You wake up and slowly realize you are not in a familiar spot, with an unfamiliar person lumbering next to you. Of course, they've been awake for a good 15 minutes trying to figure out who the hell you are again, and whether or not you have a name. Use this opportunity to have them make you breakfast - do not fall for the old "We could just go to the diner". You have already spent a long time with this person recently, and a trip to the diner just stretches it out. If all they have is leftover fried rice, bottled water and ketchup packets, "remember" that your friend needs you to save him/her from an unpleasant encounter of their own. Get out. Get home, and then follow the above steps. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you call the person whose bed you left this morning. If you forgot a sweater, or discovered a condom in a very odd place, whatever... it can wait a day. Where you go from here is up to you. Do you develop this and let it blossom? Do you avoid going to the scene of the initial hook-up forever more? Do you go and avoid eye contact with each other? Or do you notch the bedpost, not ruling out another session, but try for their slightly better-looking friend? It is up to you. This in no way endorses bad behavior towards any member of any sex.   Other Articles by Justin: "Give a Brother a Right of Way" Or "Yield Your Beer" "A Sobering Time of Year" Or "Single for St. Paddy's Day" "A Giant-Sized Thirst" Or "Ravin' About Football" "Red, White and Steamed" Or "Bush League Justice" "Hairy Psalms" Or "I Think I Bent My Wookie"   Justin would like to hear your questions about drinking etiquette. Feel free to email him at vitamin.j@drunks.com. Your question maybe answered in Justin's next article.