Whiskey Drunk
Or
Bound for the Floor (literally)

Let's be very obvious, because attention spans are short, and you.re probably already drunk: getting drunk is easy. Anyone can do it, and the process of getting drunk is usually as nuanced as a game of Tic Tac Toe. With the holidays once again upon us, it.s important to understand the differences in stages of inebriation "Let the punishment fit the crime", "A place for everything and everything in its place", and "Circumstantial evidence" are three key phrases one must apply when planning on going out and getting loaded (the rules are completely different if you accidentally stumble into getting S-faced - this is only for those intending on going home sideways). If golfing, you wouldn't tee off with your putter, if banging a Bon Jovi groupie, you would definitely have protection. (Note . how one behaves when drunk is entirely dependent upon how one behaves while sober. Although alcohol is technically a depressant, it really can get peoples' fire up. People also tend to squint more. If you're inclined to sit quietly in a corner and enjoy your state of drunkenness, only a Stage 4 or 5 Drunk will get you up off of it. Conversely, if you're meaner than a lesbian butcher, alcohol ain't gonna depress shit.) And we begin with the Stage 1 Drunk, Mixed Drinks (for her). This almost never applies to guys. These are the cheap drinks one gets on "Ladies Drink Free" nights or at open bar wedding receptions. Vodka-Cranberries, Midori Sours, Baybreeze, etc. The reason this doesn't usually apply to (straight) guys is that after one drink, you are sickened by the cloying syrupy sweetness disrupting your intake of alcohol. After that, you have to do a chaser Alabama Slammer just to get the saccharine taste out of your mouth, before settling back on PBR.       SYMPTOMS: a lot of hugging, tears, and "I love you"s to the girlfriends, followed by asking them to hold back your hair.       MORNING REPERCUSSIONS: lost panties, the Walk of Shame, and phone calls along the lines of "Why does Courtney hate me today?" Stage 2 Drunk, Wine Drunk (this is actually Stage 5 in France and Italy). An easy trap to get suckered into, the Wine Drunk begins innocently enough...a nice dinner with a classy, elegant glass of wine. Hell, you say, the bottle's open...why not finish it, along with the second bottle I bought "just in case"? The problem with the wine is that, if you find a kind you like, it DOES go down too easy, especially after the second glass.       SYMPTOMS: waking up at 4 am with Hogan's Heroes on tv, a red wine stain on your pants (and couch), and a distinct inability to walk to bed in a straight line.       REPERCUSSIONS: a black, furry tongue in the morning, and a peculiar, wine-specific headache you just can't get from anything else. Stage 3, "Beer Ain't Drinkin"!! Situation: you are planning to tailgate at your favorite professional football team's stadium, go inside and hurl invective at opposing players and coaches, and at some point take off your shirt (and hopefully stop there). You mean to become a head-butting, chest-painting, high-fivin. obnoxious SOB, and hopefully make it onto SportsCenter. You, my friend, are getting Beer Drunk. This is the classic drunken state, made popular by frat boys and rednecks right here in the U.S.A.       SYMPTOMS: the classic signs of drunkenness, made popular by chain e-mails everywhere: incoherence, volume increase, belligerence, inability to be successful with attractive people or turn down unattractive people, and a zest to keep drinking, no matter the hour.       REPERCUSSIONS: bruising, bleeding or chafing (more often than not self-imposed), terrible bowel issues (gas and Bud Mud in particular), and a (broken) vow to never drink all night again. Stage Four: Mix It Up, Redux (for men). "I remember how my father would make his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes" - Frye, Futurama. This is an example of a real man's mixed drink. This could be for the classy night-on-the-town, to the theatre, perhaps, or an upscale holiday party. You figure you're going to tie one on, and so you arrange a ride and clear off the next day's schedule. Make sure you have dinner, or it's going to be a short night, and don't forget to pace yourself. This stage is best used when the goal is not to merely get drunk, but to also lose any morals and guilt that have been deteriorating your brain and become someone completely different, with your same lousy clothes. These are the drinks attack like a hungry tiger, or a swarm of bees . handled properly, no worries. Misstep... No, that.s poor. Stage 4 drinks are like assassins. If you.re lucky, it.s painless, quick, and the job is done. If you fudge about, it.s going to be a goddamn mess, with a lot of blood, someone jumping around hollering his/her head off, fumbling with whatever it is you are trying to manipulate (keys, phone, bra), and general chaos.       SYMPTOMS: I once had several Sapphire and tonics over the course of a few hours, and when I tried to converse with some friends later on, all that came out were manipulations of my vocal cords. Not words. Not even barely-intelligible sounds. Just air being forced through muscles and gin. And let's not forget the peril of chairs. It is very, very easy to fall out of a perfectly stable chair. On top of everything else, being "classy" for a night will make you more likely to start buying rounds for people, watch out.       REPERCUSSIONS: Surprisingly, the hangover factor for quality mixed drinks can be low, or at least low enough for the ol. hair of the dog remedy. Not only that, but until you hit the point of no return (slurred speech, limp body), you may find you perform better than you would have with, say, Miller High Life. You are drunk, to be sure, but you are composed. This is my personal favorite. Stage 4 the Accidental Kiss Your Ass Goodbye. Irish Car Bombs. Dr. Peppers. Boilermakers. Martinis (and not the gay flavored ones.no appletinis, or mocha espresso martinis. Here is the ONLY acceptable martini recipe: in a shaker, add ice and a capful/jigger of vermouth. Shake to coat ice. Pour out all the vermouth. Add your gin. Shake to chill. Pour into a martini glass. Garnish with olive or twist. Drink.) They sound like grand ideas. They may be. But once you start, you travel down a path of irreparable drunken doom.       SYMPTOMS: Have someone else tell you the next day exactly which symptoms you exhibit.       REPERCUSSIONS: The person telling you is the repercussion, because you probably pissed them off somehow. Stage 5. Stomach-Pumping Madness! For any situation in which you'd rather be shot in the face than deal with what is going on at the time. Firings. Funerals. Holidays at the in-laws. The night before sentencing. Step 1, roll down the paper bag to just under the cap. Step two, remove cap and throw over shoulder. Step three, drain bottle. The good news is that you won.t have a care in the world, and your situation will seem infinitely lighter halfway through a fifth of Old Granddad. Put the kids to bed early, because I.m gettin whisky drunk tonight.       SYMPTOMS: You.re kidding, right?       REPERCUSSIONS: At this point, you don.t give a damn. And if your evening is a group effort, do yourself a favor and make sure everyone is on the same drinking agenda. One person celebrating the entire bar while the rest of the party is having a sippin. night makes for boredom for the one and aggravation for the others. If necessary, partner off: the guys will hit 4, the girls will hit 2, or however you choose to coordinate. Have a Sadie Hawkins drinking night. Be creative, or be on a mission. The point is to enjoy the experience however you want. Alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life.s problems! So there you have it: your holiday gauge of just how badly you want to defile yourself and .contribute. to your various holiday festivities. When all is said and done, you can be proud of yourself for setting out with purpose and achieving a goal. Don.t feel bad about your habit or the behavior you show while drinking; a well-behaved life is its own punishment. No one sings songs about dishwater. Grab life by the collar and chug in its face, and put it on his tab. (Next time, a review of over-the-counter hangover remedies!) Other Articles by Justin: "Cancer Sticks and Rolling Stones" "Shakespeare's Monkey Or Elm City Blues" "Hairy Psalms" Or "I Think I Bent My Wookie" "Noodle Soup" Or "How to deal with the random one-night hook-up." "Give a Brother a Right of Way" Or "Yield Your Beer" "A Sobering Time of Year" Or "Single for St. Paddy's Day" "A Giant-Sized Thirst" Or "Ravin' About Football" "Red White and Steamed" Or "Bush League Justice" "If This is the Fall, Why Do I Feel Springy?" Or "Where the Hell is this Rambling Jackass Going Now?"   Justin would like to hear your questions about drinking etiquette. Feel free to email him at vitamin.j@drunks.com. Your question maybe answered in Justin's next article.