Z-ster
Or
Hope You Have a Lead Yarmulke

Don't be fooled by Peeps, by steaming hams, by clucking bunny rabbits. Ignore the palm fronds, the ashes, and the twice-a-year crowds at the churches. If you honestly don't know what is going on at Easter, you are falling into the Trap of the Damned. You can put a pretty pastel ribbon around the spring/rebirth season, but it doesn't cover up the seamy underbelly of the beast of truth. As we all know, Easter (like almost every other Christian holiday) was co-opted from the pagans to suit the needs of the church: you have a vernal equinox already taking place, add the religious myth of Jesus rising, marry the two, and presto! "Since people are already celebrating, we.ll just tweak the reason for the festivities, and these mindless drones will convert to Christianity passively", said the Pope. (That is not a genuine quote from the Pope at the time, who I figure was either Pope Leo X or Pope Pius VII, but it MAY have been.) According to religious text, Jesus "suffered, died and was buried. On the third day he rose again, in fulfillment of the Scripture". Scripture can mean many things, most often written-down words. When capitalized, it generally refers to Biblical verses. However, again, there are many religious texts that can be considered Scripture-esque. Take voodoo for example: the sect of Macumba says "When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth". Not only is that religious Scripture, it is a downright great line - quotable, memorable, and looks great on movie posters! If we start to tie together all the primitive, primordial, unconscious mists of all human connection, brought down through evolution, we'll see that we share notions, ideas, thoughts and hopes across cultures, continents, boundaries, generations, you name it. Joseph Campbell, the noted author/scholar/myth expert, called it the "Collective Unconscious", those very basic ties that all people share, and have for millennia. What does this mean to us, the modern-day atheist, agnostic, pagan, wiccan, or whatever you are? It means that Jesus was a zombie, and at Easter we are celebrating his return from the dead, to walk the earth once again in search of warm, living, human victims. Don't forget, in biblical times, gunpowder was only just being developed by the Chinese, thousands of miles away, so the tried-and-true bullet-to-the-brain of Christ was not an option. And since we all know that the only way to effectively kill a zombie is to destroy the brain, no wonder he "rose from the dead" to "reign forever and ever". And talk about mobile! He's like the Aramaic T-1000! He'll keep coming for you, no matter what you do, no matter where you run or hide...kind of like today's born-agains. Walking on water? Zombies don't BREATHE, pimp, so he could walk on water, under water, whatever. Zombie Jesus could STILL be kicking around somewhere, for all we know. It would take a hell of a strong arm to stone a zombie to death, and the slings and arrows of outrage would have to be a direct, brain-piercing hit to drop him. And furthermore, Zombie Jesus would explain exactly why so many pirates eschew religion: not because they don't value their eternal souls, not because they are incapable of embracing God's love and forgiveness. Pirates are the sworn enemies of zombies (as would have been explained in my screenplay, "Wake of the Resurrection", before those Disney bastards stole it and white-washed it.), and therefore, Christ or no Christ, would not have followed a Messiah spawned by a comet, or Trioxin-245 gas, or the T-virus, or a strain of Solanum, or whatever it was that happened to re-animate JC. So this Easter I am going to celebrate in style, MY way. I am going to pour myself a pitcher of Blue Zombies, stock up on calves. brains (or make a meatloaf with some extra red food coloring, for the brain-like look), and have myself a marathon of shotgun-totin', machete-wieldin', graveyard-vandalizin' zombie hunters gettin' after it in some of the finest films Hollywood has to offer: Enter, Zombie King; Redneck Zombies; The Dead Hate The Living!; and of course Dead Alive. Then I will sit back and wait until October for Land of the Dead! Happy Easter! Good luck hunting "eggs"! Other Articles by Justin: "Whiskey Drunk Or Bound for the Floor (literally)" "Cancer Sticks and Rolling Stones" "Shakespeare's Monkey Or Elm City Blues" "Hairy Psalms" Or "I Think I Bent My Wookie" "Noodle Soup" Or "How to deal with the random one-night hook-up." "Give a Brother a Right of Way" Or "Yield Your Beer" "A Sobering Time of Year" Or "Single for St. Paddy's Day" "A Giant-Sized Thirst" Or "Ravin' About Football" "Red White and Steamed" Or "Bush League Justice" "If This is the Fall, Why Do I Feel Springy?" Or "Where the Hell is this Rambling Jackass Going Now?"   Justin would like to hear your questions about drinking etiquette. Feel free to email him at vitamin.j@drunks.com. Your question maybe answered in Justin's next article.