Give a Brother the Right of Way
Or
Yield Your Beer

Now that we're all adults, it's important to remember some basic social rules, or mores (if you will) ((even if you won't, it's still important)). Nothing says "chowderhead" like acting like a two-year-old with his first Pokemon when you're out with a beer or two. A common pitfall many of us poor simple guys make is that when we see pretty woman, we want make her think we good. Therefore, we regress to behavior so primordial and ingrained that we do not realize what we are doing. The Chest-Thump. Every guy, upon occasion, especially with a couple of quarter drafts in him, becomes Bobby Badass. Some happen to be more prone than others, and some, like me, just want to have a good time (I'm a lover, not a fighter). Well, you may or may not need me to remind you of this, but like so many other things in our world today, this must be written to the lowest common denominator. As a public service, I have to write this as if I was speaking to a big room of rambunctious idiot children. Bear with me. Keeping in that spirit, let's take it from the beginning. You're going out for the evening. A good evening out requires a well-laid plan. Dinner with the friends, a few drinks at the local bar, and then home. Good enough. If you happen to meet someone interesting and the evening takes an unplanned turn, please consult the "Noodle Soup" essay. After you've arranged to be picked up on your evening out, GO SHOWER. Please. Even if you had one this morning, YOU NEED ONE NOW. Hey, personally, I don't care if you do or don't, but you're not trying to impress me. Clean up and put on some clean clothes, and perhaps more importantly, keep them on, guys. On an evening out, no one wants to see guys taking their clothes off at the drop of a hat. And the droopy baggy pants thing with the boxers sticking up about 9 inches above the waistband is out. Knock it off. Pull your damn pants up and tighten your belt, pilgrim. Ok. At dinner, have the common decency not to destroy the diner booth or McDonald's parking lot in which you wind up. But this is all boring stuff. Let's get to the real heart of the matter. Go to the bar, say hello to friends you know, and everyone you meet. Buy a drink, and buy one for someone else (your choice) while you're still sober - that part is important…everyone is totally generous when plastered. An unscrupulous type might get away with scoring drinks off a complete stranger if drunk enough. Not that I would know that. Let's say the bar is especially crowded. (I like to use Humphrey's East in New Haven as an example, but I like to imagine that most of the visitors to this site aren't in the immediate New Haven area.) And let's also say you are heroically double-fisting. In a crowded situation, with two hands full, be careful when you walk. You are obviously going to try to not spill your drink(s) all over some jackass fighting his way upstream to the bar. If you're the unfortunate jackass trying to get yours, GIVE THE RIGHT OF WAY TO THE GUY WITH THE BEER. Don't be a tough guy and make him move. Help a brother out. At the bar, within reason, let the ladies order first. Ladies, don't take advantage of this. Here's how it should go down: Guy: Oh, please, go ahead. Girl (smiling sweetly): Thank you. (To bartender) A frilly pink girly drink, please. Guy (to bartender): I'll get that, and a Coors for me. Girl: That's so sweet! I'm (fill in name here). And it's up to you to take it from there. Of course, manners aren't just for guys. Let's take the same situation and tweak it a little: Guy: Oh, please, go ahead. Girl: Thanks, but you better go... I'm ordering for the whole sorority. Guy: Thanks... since you got stuck with taking care of them, let me get your drink. What will you have? When she answers, suavely introduce yourself, then stick around to help her carry her drinks through the crowd. Easy as pie. And then there is the slight matter of the restroom. Girls, I have no idea what goes on in there when a guy doesn't sneak in there with you (yeah...), so this is more for the guys. There are just a couple of simple rules that we, as men, should follow in the men's room so that we all have a pleasant experience. First of all, in a urinal situation, common goddamn sense dictates if there are three urinals against the wall, or in a trough environment, DO NOT BY ANY MEANS GO TO THE MIDDLE IF NO ONE ELSE IS PRESENT YET. Someone WILL be along, and some moron in the middle space leaves no buffer zone for the next shlub. I am constantly amazed by the amount of guys who casually don't think about things like that. Obviously not anyone who would take the time to read a well-thought-out piece like this, but those other guys who can't read (like the guy who told me that Custer refused to smoke the peace pipe with the Indians because they were fighting, then added, "Think about that"). All I wanted to do was piss in peace, but this guy wanted to give me history lessons Mr. Peabody style. Lucky for me, or maybe unlucky, I don't get shy about pissing with other people present. Anyway, moving along. Also in the men's room, don't drop your bottles or cups in the damn toilet. Piss all over the seat if you can't aim, but there is no need to drop your garbage in there, Drunk Boy. All that does is clutter up the bowl so one cannot flush it, leading to overflow and some poor sucker not getting paid enough to stick his hands in our mess. Jeez. Use your heads out there. Again, ladies, same goes for you. Try to keep it to normal levels of hygienic discomfort. As those of you lucky enough to see the Drunks.com team in action know, we take a lot of photos wherever we go. The purpose for that is to capture the good times we all have when and where good times are to be had. And we like to get a wide variety of pictures, different people and such. So some photo tips are probably in order as well, to ensure a good likeness on the site. AVOID O.M.S. (Open Mouth Syndrome). This occurs fairly commonly, and the problem is that it is usually unconscious behavior. The subject probably is not aware he or she is doing it: when the camera comes up, instead of smiling, kissing, or another appropriate facial contortion, one decides to open the mouth, maybe showing a little tongue. If it only occasional, it can be overlooked, but chronic behavior in this fashion is seriously troubling. This is for the ladies: No matter what convention dictates, or what may or may not be entirely legal at any given time, one thing is certain: the more tops come off in an evening, the more people come back the following week. Oh, it's true. Also, the hits on the site increase exponentially. So, in order for you to look out for OUR best interest, please take your tops off every chance you get. Last but not least, if the camera comes to you more than once, try a slightly different pose, facial expression, or even company. You see, our photo editors sometimes lack keen discriminatory talents, and tend to put just about every picture taken on the site. So I put it to you all out there: help us help you by editing yourselves whenever possible. And when the evening is through, say goodnight to your friends, tip your bartenders, try not to start any scuffles now that the bar is closed, and for the love of God don't drive if you've had too much. We want to see everyone again next week. Make sure you check out Drunks.com for scandalous celebrity pictures and the hottest bands in the U.S. And if someone gives you a Drunks.com T-shirt, wear it proudly.   Other Articles by Justin: "Noodle Soup" Or "How to deal with the random one-night hook-up." "A Sobering Time of Year" Or "Single for St. Paddy's Day" "A Giant-Sized Thirst" Or "Ravin' About Football" "Red, White and Steamed" Or "Bush League Justice" "Hairy Psalms" Or "I Think I Bent My Wookie"   Justin would like to hear your questions about drinking etiquette. Feel free to email him at vitamin.j@drunks.com. Your question maybe answered in Justin's next article.