A Sobering Time of Year
Or
Single for St. Paddy's Day

First things first, happy holidays to all. Enjoy the season and all it brings, regardless of what you choose to celebrate. As we all know, now is the time, the corridor between Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve, when 65% of yearly alcohol sales, consumption, and related injuries take place. Let's be careful out there. So in the spirit of festivity, let's discuss how to survive the rapids until the Orange Bowl. After that you can go back to telling the in-laws, the home-visiting friends, and the boring co-workers to go back to the vapid hell from which they were spewn. Then, in order, you should: Lay low until the time comes to host/attend a Super Bowl party. Then do it. Suck it up and buy someone special a Valentine's Day present. You know you have to. Or else. (If you really don't have someone to buy a gift for, go out on Valentine's Night and look for clumps of 2-3 members of the opposite sex... they have no one either. Start a conversation by bashing the concept of the holiday - they will join in. You're on your own from there.) Count the days until St. Patrick's Day. Inform the Significant Other that you will be celebrating with your friends, and they should not wait up. Then do it, and recover until Memorial Day, because Easter, as a drinking holiday, sucks. But like so many other times, I get ahead of myself. We're talking about December holidays here. Throughout history and civilization, different cultures have almost always had a winter celebration. Whether or not the festivities are legitimate or a thinly-veiled excuse to disregard traditional Western merrymaking, most everyone does something around this time of year. Let's start with the logical first event of the season. The work party is the traditional time of the fiscal year to have a drink with your boss and all the higher-ups at your place of employment. This can be the worst time imaginable for the safety of your job - the new interns are looking good and didn't bring boyfriends to the party, or the guy you've been flirting with since Halloween looks really cute under the mistletoe, and the bar has been open and free all night... danger... danger. On top of everything else, you will usually be at a restaurant/hotel ballroom, in public, not in the privacy of your cubicle warren. The best idea, of course, is to have a few free drinks, thank the boss for a swell year, your bonus, whatever... don't French kiss his bunghole, but say a kind word or two to him/her. Give season's greetings to your manager/group leader/team, a few more drinks, and break the hell out with your office supplier. Make sure you break up before Valentine's day, or else you have to bring gifts of hatpins or cake to the office... and that sucks ass. So let's pretend the office party is over and you still have your job. Well done. If you are the type who goes to the mall to shop, a tactic you might want to try is fighting the crowds for a few hours, then stopping at the mall Applebee's or whatever they have and putting down a few pints. It makes the whole screaming-kid, slow-moving window-gawker bombed-out storefront experiential hell of mall shopping slightly more tolerable. Another good idea here is to park far away from the entrance to the mall. First, you'll never find a good space to begin with, and you'll look like an ass for even trying. Second, get out and walk, you lazy bastard. Third, on the way out, it'll give you a chance to cool down your body after being in the toasty mall and your mind after getting steamed over the inability of everyone else to shop with manners and taste. Fourth, if you're actually out among the living instead of holed up buying everything online, you may as well go whole-hog and get a workout while you're at it. Now the office party is over, and all your gifts have been purchased. Here is the plan: Guys, have your girlfriend/female friend/sister come over and wrap all the presents you purchased for you. Offer to make dinner, and buy a bottle of wine and dessert to go with it. Everyone wins. Ladies, reverse that. Granted, you might get lumpy Kraft Mac & Cheese out of it, but if he's making something that lousy, he oughta make up for it in booze, sweets and/or sex afterward. You know the guy, so you'll know how to extort him. Oh guys, don't forget to not let the girl wrap the present you got for her. Everyone has the potential to win here, let's play the cards right. With that holiday hazard hurdled, you're in super seasonal shape so far. (Sorry. Alliteration always attracts attention.) The biggest pain in the ass now, short of actually spending time with family and friend, is if you happen to be traveling. Having always been blessed enough to only have to go roughly 30 minutes away from home every Christmas ever, you're on your own there. I can, however, recommend primers for you so you know what to expect. Try Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Home Alone 1 and 2, and Titanic to get an idea of holiday travel and it's ensuing pleasantries. And then there you are. Your presents are open. Your turkey is gone. Your family has gathered in the living room, granting that no one flipped the table over in a rage and stormed away already. Everyone now has enough booze in them to power the tree on their breath. This is the time to be on your toes if you don't want to get into it this year. For many people, this is the only time of year they see many relatives and friends, and so there is a year's worth of catching up and arguing to do. If you are not one of the aggressors, go for a post-meal walk. Toss the football around with your nieces and nephews. Help do the dishes, or get peace and quiet by doing them all yourself. Let your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse handle the parents all by themselves this year. Sure, it's a sneaky move, but chances are you didn't get yourself a nice present this year. The holidays are a time for peace and love, and that is important to remember. Be with your loved ones and think of all your blessings. Next year will take care of itself, but for now reach out to those you care for. And if you can't stand the real people or deities in your life, reach out for Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and Johnny Walker, the real Three Wise Men. Santa's nose doesn't stay so red by itself, you know. Please have a safe holiday season, try not to fight, and be responsible for yourself and those whom you love.   Other Articles by Justin: "Noodle Soup" Or "How to deal with the random one-night hook-up." "Give a Brother a Right of Way" Or "Yield Your Beer" "A Giant-Sized Thirst" Or "Ravin' About Football" "Red, White and Steamed" Or "Bush League Justice" "Hairy Psalms" Or "I Think I Bent My Wookie"   Justin would like to hear your questions about drinking etiquette. Feel free to email him at vitamin.j@drunks.com. Your question maybe answered in Justin's next article.