A Giant-Sized Thirst
Or
Ravin' About Football

I am trying as hard as I can to stay away from actual football analysis and commentary, because that's not what this is all about. All I can say in this non-partisan disclaimer is that, as a fan of football, I'm glad the Raiders and Vikings lost their respective games. I have no love for the Giants or Ravens, and therefore am looking forward to watching the game on an unbiased level. I really do not care who wins the game, although I am a football fanatic. I am an AFC man all the way, but the way both teams have played, I'm excited for a fun game to watch. Whew. Gerald Ford: "Tell me, Homer, do you like football?" Homer Simpson: "Yes, Mr. President!" Ford: "Do you like Nachos?" Homer: "Yes sir!" Ford: "How about you come over and watch the game, and we'll have some nachos. And then, some beer." Super Bowl XXXV. What a fantastic time for a party. I hope everyone is still in the festive post-holiday mode now, because this is the best party of the year. No religious overtones (unless you worship the football gods, which is getting more and more rare - see below), no awkward family get-togethers, unless you actually truly want to be with them on this one day...you don't even have to see your girl/boyfriend - they are usually in the other room, watching the game or gabbing about shoes. Unfortunately for people like me, less emphasis is being placed on football as an American pastime. What with the X-games, and digital cable, and the PS2, and books (ha ha, that's a joke...I know nobody reads anymore), and the Internet, and the World's Strongest Man contest, nobody seems to care any more. True, salaries are high and ticket prices are ridiculous, but baseball and basketball are a lot worse. True, there are only 16 games per season, plus playoffs, but that just adds to the drama - every game counts. True, it might be a snoodge barbaric to smash other guys with your body, but stop being such a pussy. I love football. I can't get enough football. It's a fantastic sport, very entertaining to either watch or play in a pickup game, and it provides the perfect opportunity to host a gathering, whether or not it is the Super Bowl. Most people don't even watch the game at Super Bowl parties anymore...too busy scouting commercials, or watching their damn point chart. And it's me who gets yelled at to shush during the goddamn.com commercials because I'm pointing out strategic defensive flaws, or calling obvious plays and/or substitutions. No one wants to hear it. That's why it's getting more important for me to host the party in the right manner. The perfect party, for 10-12 people (or more) would need to have three decent-sized rooms. The best, biggest and most heavily stocked and decorated goes to me and the other football fans. We want to watch the game, yell at the TV, throw chips at each other, and basically cause a football-fueled ruckus. Another room goes for the people who like to have the game on the screen so they can keep an eye on it and say they saw the Super Bowl, even if they don't even know what the Lamar Hunt Trophy is. These people can watch the new Pepsi commercials and giggle, ask why the referees are doing the Macarena, and basically stay out of the way. The third room is a haven for everyone else - no football, just a free place. The wine room. Maybe a deck of cards, maybe a romantic comedy on the TV, whatever. OK, so the layout is now set up. Everyone feels comfortable. Let's eat. The key to having a good time is making sure everyone brings something. This isn't Thanksgiving dinner, where Ma cooks the turkey and all the trimmings...have your buddies help out. Chips, salsa, dip, wings, nachos, whatever. Get those chicken tenders you throw in the oven for 20 minutes...and you never know - if you ask for help from the girls avoiding the game in the kitchen, they probably will. It gives them the chance to laugh about how pathetic and cute boys are when it comes to football, and lets them have their girly superiority complex fulfilled that much more. They are smug, we are full. Everyone wins. Snacks are great, but have something to eat there, too. Throw on a pot of chili...it's the best thing to do. Set it up in the morning, before everyone shows up, and let it cook. That's all. Every time someone gets up to piss, they will stop to smell the chili and stir the pot, so that's taken care of. And no one wants to miss anything by going out and grilling burgers and dogs, or doing pasta at the last minute. Snacks are one thing, doing something substantial is important. And now for the drinking portion of our program. You are one of two types of people: you either have booze left over from New Year's, and lots of it, or you finished that stuff off within 3 or 4 days of the original binge. And chances are good your friends are the same type you are, so you're all in the same boat. Let's say it's all gone. It's easier to start from scratch. Delegate. Don't make anyone carry the load by themselves, but you need enough for everyone...the package store might be open Sundays on Christmas and New Year's Eve, but for an important day like this they stay the hell home. Therefore, a good guideline would be to check out the January 2001 issue of Maxim magazine for their recommended guidelines concerning liquid support for the day. For 6-8 people, you get a couple of 30 packs, 2 or 3 bottles for shots (if you're bold), and a few bottles of wine for the female guests. Go from there. Easy enough. But no, you're little Johnny (or Suzy) My-Liver-Hurts-So-I-Can't-Finish-My-New-Year's-Booze-Like-A-Big-Boy (or Girl). You have leftovers. You are in a position to save some money, but use your head. If you've kept that half-full half-barrel cold and relatively fresh, try it out before serving it. It could be OK. If you have lots of cans left over, you're golden...just remember, provide what you can, and have others help out too. There is NO SUCH THING as too much booze (to have in the house for guests, that is...it is entirely possible for one person to have too much). If you're making mixed drinks, don't use leftover mixers. Splurge. Go nuts. Cans of soda or individual fruit juice cans are fine, but big cans and jugs of juice can ripen up pretty nastily in a few weeks. Also stay clear of juice boxes and pouches, and envelopes of Kool-Aid. That's bush league, man...this isn't freshman year anymore. I'm reminded here of my own experience when, just wanting a refreshing nightcap, I added pineapple juice to some flavored vodka...sadly to say, the pineapple juice was a lovely shade of black, forcing me to waste perfectly good vodka. Let my own jackassery be a lesson to you, and deter you from the path of not thinking about it, whatever it is. Now that the kitchen and bar are stocked, let's have some fun. So you like football, huh? For the casual Super Bowl watcher, games such as Kings, and its cousin Circle of Death, are fine to play while the action is on. Dice games such as Three Man are good, and so is a friendly game of Quarters. Be creative. For the hardcore fan, those types of games might prove to be a distraction from the action, so something a little more game-oriented might be in order. Do a Point Waterfall...when a field goal is kicked, drink for 3 seconds or three gulps, whatever your regional rules say. A touchdown, 7 seconds or gulps. For something more exciting, such as a safety or a kick/punt return for a touchdown, shots are encouraged, or barring that, a full beer. (For regional fans or problem drinkers, first downs, sacks, pass interference penalties, and upheld coaches challenges are also reasons to celebrate.) If your team misses a field goal, loses a fumble, or otherwise screws up, it's acceptable to drown your sorrows. And if you are partying for this Super Bowl, remember there is work the next day. Don't go too crazy, and if you've had a little much, have one of the girls in the kitchen drive you home. I guarantee there is a sober girl in the house somewhere, if you have mixed company. Do not drive if you've had too much to drink. Do not riot in the streets if your team wins or loses. Do not miss the start of the XFL on February 3rd. And if the debate should arise, and it should, the best Super Bowl of all time was January 25, 1998. Super Bowl XXXII. Denver Broncos 31, Green Bay Packers 24. Best ever, no debate necessary. Now get out there and watch for the Drunks.com commercial during halftime.   Other Articles by Justin: "Noodle Soup" Or "How to deal with the random one-night hook-up." "Give a Brother a Right of Way" Or "Yield Your Beer" "A Sobering Time of Year" Or "Single for St. Paddy's Day" "Red, White and Steamed" Or "Bush League Justice" "Hairy Psalms" Or "I Think I Bent My Wookie"   Justin would like to hear your questions about drinking etiquette. Feel free to email him at vitamin.j@drunks.com. Your question maybe answered in Justin's next article.