Shakespeare's Monkey
Or
Elm City Blues

For those of you whose idea of reading is either precluded by the toilet or, even worse, looking up this page, there is a newspaper that comes out daily all over the world, except for weekends. It is titled USA Today, and you can get it at any airport or 7-11 in the world. The paper is based out of Washington DC, but serves the entire country, naturally. I try to read it every day. It doesn't make me feel smart or in touch with the news, or even up-to-date with my favorite sports teams, since most of my teams scores are reported late. It seems that the average bedtime/post game coverage time ends promptly at 8:30 PM. Ok, that's not quite right, but you get my meaning. No, I can't tell you how Monday Night Football ended if I haven't watched it, because like the New Haven Register and Hartford Courant, and all the other East Coast-based newspapers, they won't report late scores. Nope. Not for me. I have to have a two-day catch-up period. Lousy Avalanche. No, basically I just get the paper for the USA Today crossword puzzle. I love it. I prefer it to the New York Times or the Boston Globe crosswords because more often than not they pose a genuine challenge. For those not in the know, crosswords are not just about knowing how to spell, or what a 3-lettered synonym for chapeau is. No, to be an effective crossword enthusiast, you need a thorough grasp of useless pop culture information. I'm a natural. "But Justin," I hear you say, "why spend 50 cents a day on stupid crosswords?" Well, I do read the paper the crossword comes wrapped in. All except the Money section, which depresses me...all those abbreviations make me feel like stock people have no time for real words. Whereas I am here, typing out full words and sentences like a jackass, for an "audience" that has probably stopped reading by this point due to the shortage of references to porn as of yet. (And for those kids out there reading this by accident because you thought it would be "cool" to check out Drunks.com, let me tell you something: learn a skill. No one needs more self-absorbed musings from a guy barely qualified to write cereal box backs. Be a pro basketball player. Hell, be a baker. Be a shellacker. Be a cabana boy in Palm Springs. Don't be deluded by bored, smirking teachers encouraging you to use your "gift". You can't write, you can barely read, and no one cares what you have to say. I only say this from experience, because I am that guy too.) Anyway, and I'm sorry for insulting all of you who have stumbled across the USA Today website, the point is the newspaper has a very charming, if frustrating, feature every Friday. The powers-that-be pick a topic and assign the best 10 places in the world to find it. For example, today is Nov. 9, and the topic is Top 10 Places to Fly a Kite. (I didn't say the articles were breathtaking...) Reading about these out-of-the-way places is nice and good for the wanderlustful soul, but I always find myself wondering what bearing it has on me. I don't give a damn about kite flying. My non-letter-responding-nor-job-offering friends at Maxim Magazine do something similar to that as well, where they will tell you the best places to find girls. Depending on the theme of the month, or whatever fetish happens to be in season, they will change their criteria to name the same 20 cities in different orders every other month. Of course, the difference is that USA Today generally shies away from bigger cities, unless the topic requires a big city (Top 10 Big City Power Lunches). The problem I have with all of this is that NEVER does anyone mention the thriving metropolis of New Haven. I always hope against hope that somewhere, someday, under Top 10 Brick Oven Pizzerias, I'll see Sally's Apizza of New Haven, CT, but ne'er I do. Why not recognize Yale Field as one of the Top 10 Places to Watch AA Baseball? Top 10 Misnomer-ed Bridges (the Pearl Harbor Memorial Bridge? Seriously...)? Top 10 Sweet-Ass Gift Stores (Eli Whitney Museum, baby)? And every year they throw 30 new TV shows at us for 2 weeks, then pare it down to 10 re-issues of game and reality shows, one new Law & Order series, and 2 more 1-year sitcoms. Where is New Haven as a setting? Didn't they do that a couple of years ago? Hell, I can write a damn sitcom. I'll set it in New Haven with real places and events. In fact, somebody get me an agent. I have the next great idea. Ok, I have ideas stolen from me all the time. Take a combination of Sex In The City and Undeclared, with a randy dose of MTV's Undressed, and that was my idea back in college, my sophomore year of '93-'94. (Holy shit...I'm getting fucking OLD.) It was to be called Dirt, and the heroes would all start off in different US Colleges and Universities. The shows would start by one bursting to tell someone about his latest sexual mishap/escapade, and would call up a friend at a different school. The content would all be told in flashback, and it was to be more funny than sexy, but lots of tits and laughs. Someone stole that gem, fractured it up, and came out with 3 lower-quality TV shows. Bastards. So here's the new deal: we'll pitch it to HBO, so we have some creative freedom, not to mention audiences used to edgier, commercial-free entertainment. The show will be basically a documentary, following around your friends at a local website. Think of that Baltimore Ravens training camp show no one watched. Say what you will, they are still the Ravens, and they still suck. No more Ravens in the Super Bowl, no more Diamondbacks beating the Yankees (I'd say the same if they beat the Sox, so eat shit), no more Atlanta Thrashers, no more stupid garbage. Goodbye Montreal Expos, and good riddance I say. On second thought, keep them and get rid of the Marlins, or the Minnesota Wild. On yet another thought, the Houston Texans? Honestly!?! Do those drawling idiots need a reason to get even bigger-headed? Name them something else, because when Memphis buys the team out in 6 or 7 years, I don't think they'll keep the stupid, egocentric and annoying name Texans. Drooling, tobacco-chawing, dumb hat and boot wearing, country music listening, southern-style chowderheads. That should be their team name, if they would like it to be indicative of the city of Houston. PS, bring back the Washington Bullets, and get Jordan the hell out of there. ARRRGHHH!!! This is NOT a sports column! Why do I let it digress me so very, very often? Where was I? Oh yeah. The plot follows around a group of heroes, playing Beirut, having fun, and generally being entertaining. I hear it now: "You can't have a TV show where the action is just playing drinking games". Well, take away the drinking, and you're looking at Sex In The City...how did they pitch that one? "Ok, we'll get some chicks to sit around every week and talk about getting laid." Don't get me wrong, sounds like genius, but it also sounds like a one-trick pony. Good thing the show proved the critics (me) wrong. I can write this show...we can do this. Anyone interested in seeing the Beirut TV show, set in New Haven? Let's have some fun out there. Be sure to stay tuned for the real-life exploits, stats and recaps of your favorite un-recognized semi-pro "athletes", the members of Major League Beirut.   Other Articles by Justin: "Hairy Psalms" Or "I Think I Bent My Wookie" "Noodle Soup" Or "How to deal with the random one-night hook-up." "Give a Brother a Right of Way" Or "Yield Your Beer" "A Sobering Time of Year" Or "Single for St. Paddy's Day" "A Giant-Sized Thirst" Or "Ravin' About Football" "Red White and Steamed" Or "Bush League Justice" "If This is the Fall, Why Do I Feel Springy?" Or "Where the Hell is this Rambling Jackass Going Now?"   Justin would like to hear your questions about drinking etiquette. Feel free to email him at vitamin.j@drunks.com. Your question maybe answered in Justin's next article.