We have a little tradition that if large amounts of alcohol are to be consumed with a group of 8 or more, 70’s suits are donned in an effort to divert the police’s attention to the fact that we’ve drunk ourselves numb. Not wanting to break tradition, my brother and I journeyed to our nation’s capital not too long ago in full 70’s apparel. We were joined with about 6 other people, one of which was wearing the pirate shirt from Seinfeld ("but I don’t want to be a pirate!"), his girlfriend visiting from Ohio, and assorted other goons.
Before we went out, my brother and I decided to finish the better part of a bottle of Captain Mo’s, some beers, and some Fire Water. By the time I got into the cab, my thought patterns were a tad out of kilter, and I decided to explain to my black cab driver that I was, indeed, also black (please note I’m about the whitest fellow alive). After calmly explaining to me that I didn’t have the rhythm to be black (at which point I danced in the front seat for a while to prove him wrong), I offered our kind driver a night on the town. I told him I’d buy all his drinks for him and get him a few "ho’s", but he didn’t seem privvy to the idea.
Undaunted, we arrived at Adam’s Morgan (one of the downtown spots of DC) with spirits still high. After an uneventful trip to one bar (where, when asked "Why are you dressed like that", a response of "Because I look goooooood" was given), we ended up at Heaven & Hell, a charming little establishment with a large dance floor and way too many colored lights.
After a few more shots, me, my brother, our pirate-looking friend, and the rest of our motley crew decided some dancing was in order. Noticing that my brother was being scoped out by a local lady, I invited her over and set them dancing. I then proceeded to start a two-hour long tirade of Worms, Vanilla Ice moves, Riverdancing, booty dancing, and overall revelry. My brother, meanwhile, was having his shirt removed by his new friend and Mr. Happy contently stroked.
Exhausted from my Riverdancing, I met up with my pirate friend only to hear his girlfriend had disappeared. After a thorough search of the establishment, we came to the conclusion that she was lost(much like the rest of our friends at that point). In order to solve this problem, we drank until the bar closed then waited outside to make sure it was completely empty. While waiting, my brother’s new friend decided she would like to take her outgoing attitude elsewhere, leaving my brother and Mr. Happy obviously dejected. Granted, in the light she looked like a monster, but Mr. Happy only has one eye, and that’s closed when you’re drunk.
Having decided my buddy’s girlfriend was lost in a strange city, we did the only responsible thing...hailed a cab to go home. Unfortunately, another chap decided he wanted our cab and tried to jack the back seat. My pirated friend, realizing that 6 people in a cab might be a tad crowded, politely offered an alternative to the fellow by jumping in the backseat and pushing him out. The fellow, slightly miffed, chose to punch my buddy in the eye, causing a fountain-like stream of blood to flow from his eye. After contacting the local police (who happened to be standing a block away), we snagged two of the fellow’s friends. Since they didn’t actually do the punching, the police could not arrest them, but did allow us to taunt them for about 15 minutes with such barbs as "Tell your buddy he forgot his purse" and "Why don’t you go running like your little friend did"
Regardless, a cab was eventually hailed and our journey home began. Unfortunately, my friend had already taken that journey, and was contentedly passed out 10 feet behind the front door which was conviently locked. Feeling that a friendly wake-up call was needed, we proceeded to bang on his door with garden utensils at 4:00 in the morning. Alas, our efforts went in vain, with the only persons noticing our noise was the neighbor who called the police. As they arrived, they witnessed a man in a 70’s suit sitting on the grass beside a man in a blood-covered pirate shirt with a face swollen to the size of a mid-range watermelon (I had left to go call my friend from the nearby gas station). After getting down to the facts "Well, well, well...what do we have here?", the policeman, with his back-up that arrived shortly after, decided that we were indeed men in need, and agreed to help us. After trying to jimmy the door to the house, the tried to jimmy the door to my buddy’s car (his keys were in hiis girlfriend’s purse) so he could get his cell phone. After repeated failures, the police left us to our devices with the warning to sit beside the apartment and shut up.
We therefore slept under the beautiful starlit sky until our pirate friend quietly knocked on the front door one last time. It was at this non-garden-untensil based knock that our friend decided to wake up.
Although safely inside the apartment, my pirated friend had a feeling that his girlfriend might be in danger, and came to the decision that he should probably check his messages on his cell-phone which was still in his car. With the aid of a brick, the back window of his rental car gave way and the bountiful goodness that was his cell phone was obtained. On his phone was a message from the bar stating "It’s 3:01. We have your friend. We found her in the bathroom and your name/number is on a piece of paper". Since we left the bar at 3:15, we felt a tad cheated, but still decided to go back into the city and pick up the girlfriend.
Once in the city, we realized we had no idea where she was and tried knocking on Heaven & Hell’s door. Since that didn’t work, we did the only reasonable thing...went home again. As we started our long trek home, our pirated friend got a call from the girlfriend stating she was at the police station. We therefore wandered in (me still in a 70’s suit and him still in a blood-covered pirate shirt), grabbed her off the plastic chair she had been resting on for the past 3 hours, and left. While the cops didn’t seem overly pleased about the whole situation, they didn’t ask any questions, so we were happy.
Except for the final call to the police to let them know someone broke my friends car window with a brick, that about wrapped up our evening. As the light streamed in the window, I slept the sleep of a man who’s seen the top of the mountain and has decided "It is good" |
Email this page to someone! 
